Today, on Star TREK TOS’s 60th anniversary, I’m sharing the TOS (McCoy/Kelley-centered) stand-up comedy routines that I wrote and presented at three TREK conventions in the 90’s.
Enjoy!
(I think Autumn McKenzie has the videos of them in her stash somewhere. Hope so, anyway!)
Stand Up Star Trek TOS Comedy Routines by Kris M. Smith
Presented at conventions in Oakland, Denver and Baltimore in the 1990’s
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
© 1988-2026 by Kristine M. Smith
HUSBAND-HUNTING ON THE ENTERPRISE
I love being among Star Trek fans. It’s better than being anywhere else – on Earth. The only conceivably better place to be would be aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’d go find me a husband. And who would it be, out of all those eligible hunks?
Captain Kirk? Not on your life. He has a lady behind every bulkhead. I’d always be wondering why he wasn’t home yet. I mean, it’s his JOB, isn’t it – up here, running this ship? No! His job is down on the planet, with the most beautiful woman in the galaxy! He has never landed on an ugly woman planet yet! He gets one in his sights and says, “No way! Prime Directive! No interference! Beam us outta here!”
Mr. Spock? Unlike Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock is only “in the mood” once every seven years! And then it is not exactly moonlight and roses! Can you imagine living with a man who will tell you for nearly a decade running, “Not tonight dear… I have – other priorities.” A human woman would go stark raving MAD living under those conditions! “Check back in 3.7 years.” And what about Vulcan foreplay? (Show the mutual rubbing of two fingers.) I waited seven years for this?!
Mr. Sulu? Cute little devil, isn’t he? But he has a tendency to want to play Lancelot at unpredictable intervals and when he isn’t doing that, he’s jogging, or doing karate, or cutting up in botany… And I don’t know how long I could take that crazy laugh!
Mr. Chekov? Vell, he vouldn’t be bad – but your kids would all talk funny… and if you ever said or did anything to anger or upset him, you could be deafened – or given cardiac arrest – by that blood-curdling scream of his! I’d have to give him a ten for his Gleem smile, though…
Scotty? Aye, Scotty’s a darlin’ of a man, isn’t he? But he has a bit of a self-image problem. He’s forever telling the Captain he cannot possibly do what needs to be done in the time they have left to save the ship from imminent and total destruction. You’d be up half of every night giving HIM self-esteem lessons!
Well….. I guess you know who I’m after. Uh-huh…. Ol’ Blue Eyes. Leonard H. McCoy. The H stands for Hallmark, because Starfleet cared enough to send the very best. Now, I may be prejudiced, but McCoy is charming, gallant, a gentleman… and his ethics are beyond refute… plus the fact that he has a nice little tush and the sexiest lower lip in the galaxy. I realize these last items are non-essentials, but they do add up!
So, if I was beaming aboard the Enterprise hoping to find somebody’s boots under MY bed, they’d have to be McCoy’s. Just imagine it: free medical check-ups as many times a week as you wanted them! Be still, my heart!
Since I am so crazy about McCoy, I have a major gripe with the writers of Star Trek. They gave Kirk about every eligible female that came along. And the celibate, cerebral Mr. Spock had somebody who wanted him every time he turned around. Unless he was approaching ponn farr, he’d react like: “I presume she TYPES, or does something useful?” Poor Chris Chapel: She was so gone over Spock, I’m amazed she didn’t jump off a bridge railing and kill herself. Spock would have looked up from his console and gone, “Unfortunate…”
But McCoy… now here was a decent, good-looking man with normal “needs,” shall we say? – unattached – who would probably have requited the unrequited and left the rest to Kirk. He was gentle, ethical, charming, and what did he get? ZIP! ZILCH! Oh, right… he did get Natira. Now, when that show came on, I thought we finally had something. But how come the writers only give him a girl when he can’t sit up? He has xenopolycethemia in this one, and in “The Empath” he’s all beat up the moment that you know Gem is crazy about him. I’m not making this up! Think about it! In “Shore Leave,” instead of getting the girl, he gets a lance through the gizzard! In “Friday’s Child” – you know, the one where Eleyan decides that only MAC COY can touch her? – she names her baby after him eventually, too – but not before she spatters him with a rock, laying him out cold! And in the most recent example, The Search for Spock, McCoy goes into a bar and asks the waitress, “Anybody been lookin’ for me?” and the waitress says, “I have, but what’s the use?” WHAM! Within two minutes he’s flat on his back in detention! I tell ya, I don’t know what the writers have against McCoy and women, but it’s detrimental to his physical and emotional well-being!
Anyway, back to my gripe about the Natira story. He finally gets this beautiful woman, and I’m thinking, “AWRIGHT!” They get married. They exchange these lovely vows. I’m dabbing at my eyes and thinking, “Oh, how perfect. At long last, LOVE! At long last, HONEYMOON!”
But is Natira thinking “honeymoon” with this handsome devil she’s been kissing since she got her first chance? NO! Natira wants to show him The Book! I’m standing there and I’m screaming at her, “Wake up and smell the coffee! You have a great evening in the offing and you want to talk about a BOOK you haven’t even READ yet?!” I mean, where are this woman’s priorities. This is HONEYMOON NIGHT, lady, Prime Time With Your Man! And McCoy seems just as happy to discuss the damned book as SHE is. He has 365 days before he kicks off, right? So what’s the rush?
Well, then I got mad at the writers again. I thought, “Who WROTE this blasted thing?!” Someone with hormones well in check, I can tell you that much! If it had been ME, it would have been called, “GEE, JUMPIN’ BONES”! And it would have had a happier ending… and a sequel… and a spin-off…
Of course in those days Star Trek couldn’t get away with what television gets away with in these days. But I have news: for my money, the sexiest guy on the ship has always been and always will be Dr. Leonard H McCoy! Even at age 137, he had something special. He knew the Secret, and he told Data the very first time he spoke to him. He was talking about the Enterprise, but all of us McCoy maidens knew exactly what he meant when he told Data: “You treat her like a lady – and she’ll always bring you home…”
No BONES about It: The Dinner
Three weeks after my birthday, I wound up in Denver — and was invited (via De’s fan club president Sue) to dinner with the Kelleys! This was my first actual, sit-down-and chat meeting with them, and I was so nervous that before we headed into their suite I pleaded, “Sit right next to me all night long, and if they ask me a question, YOU answer it!”
When you find yourself in an overwhelming situation like this one, you want to be at your best. You want to make a good impression; above all, you do NOT want to come across looking like Garfield’s little buddy Odie! On the other hand, you don’t want to look as if you’re having an audience with the Pope. Something right smack in the middle seems about right… but I was nowhere near certain I could handle a middle-of-the-road approach. So I was nervous.
No. I was petrified.
I followed Sue and a couple other DKFC members – all of whom were cool, calm and collected by all appearances – into the Kelleys hotel suite, where we were to meet, and I managed, for a moment, to present myself as normal. I hugged Mrs. Kelley and said, “Hello.” Then I went over and shook hands with De. So far, sooooo good. But…witness how quickly I went downhill from there, inside my nerve-wracked body.
We stepped over to the couches and prepared to sit down. De asked us if he could take our coats. Now, if anyone else on the planet had asked me that question, an easy answer would have been yes or no, right? I mean, he wasn’t asking my opinion on whether the U.S. should get out of the United Nations; he was just asking if I cared to give up my coat for a while. I gave it serious thought. I thought, “What does HE want me to say? Should I say yes? Will he be upset if I say no?” Finally it occurred to me that he didn’t give a fig whether I said yes or no, just so long as I said something, so he could sit down! So, I said no. That seemed to satisfy him – but not for long. Next he wanted to know if we would like drinks. I don’t drink, so naturally I said YES. (Well, I had just told him no on something else. I didn’t want him to think I was a bitch.) So, I said yes. Then he wanted to know what I would have! Oh, boy… He had me there! He was pitching these incredibly difficult questions at me and I was unable to field them! “Oh…whatever!” I finally “decided,” hoping that would end the interrogation.
Mrs. Kelley probably recognized the fact that I had slipped into the much-dreaded Idiocy Mode (a common affliction of fans) and tried to help me out. She suggested that I try a “DeForest Kelley.” I looked at her, and I thought, “Gee, that is a very generous offer!” But I realized I wasn’t getting the proper picture. She explained to me that a DeForest Kelley was a drink known to all of fandom except me, obviously. “Oh, fine… I’ll have one of those…”
Well, after a couple of DeForest Kelleys (vodka and water with a twist of lemon), I felt calmer. No one had raised any other controversial questions similar to “Can I take your coat?” in quite a while, so I was just sitting back and listening and watching everybody talk and laugh and have a good time….
Not much later, we went downstairs for dinner. De sat at the head of the table. To his right sat Sue Keenan, and to her right sat Jackie Edwards. To De’s left Carolyn (Mrs. Kelley), then me. There was NOBODY on my left – for a hundred miles. Remember this.
I quickly lost my nervousness sitting next to Carolyn, because she is a doll – so nice, and so much fun. She could calm a jackhammer. I know, because she calmed me, and I’m the greater challenge! We lost ourselves in some conversation about having both been raised in the State of Washington. At one point I was explaining something to her in great detail, and a fold or a crease on my left sleeve popped me with a great deal of force and I stopped in mid-sentence and turned around to my left, fully expecting to find a waiter or someone who had come along to ask me a question. THERE WAS NOBODY THERE!
I panicked. I thought, “OK, Kris… How are you going to handle THIS dilemma?” Well, I had two choices. I could turn back to Carolyn and just continue the conversation as if nothing at all had happened – or I could explain what happened. Well, naturally, I opted for the truth – but I forgot to provide a complete explanation. Instead of what I just told you, I turned back to Mrs. Kelley and said, “Strange! I could have sworn somebody just tapped me on the shoulder!”
Carolyn accepted this bizarre information calmly. She looked at Jackie. Jackie looked at her. They both studied their salads for a while and said nothing.
I’m amazed the Kelleys didn’t signal someone to bring a butterfly net!
It took me over a month to remember all the stupid things I said and did at dinner that evening. I found it comforting, later, to learn that other fans admitted experiencing similar difficulties the first few times they were faced with actually trying to communicate with the objects of their affection.