It’s midnight and I’m wide awake.

 

That’s because I took a nap this afternoon and then slept from six til just a little while ago.

 

I’m spending the time cooking more rice and looking up Spanish words for the things I want to get while I’m in Grecia this afternoon.

 

I need a butter dish (un plato de mantequillo) and a larger umbrella (paraguas/parasol).

 

The umbrella I brought here from Seattle isn’t adequate for the monsoon-like downpours that occur here nearly every afternoon during the rainy seaosn. Mine looks like it was made for a pygmy (okay, a child) compared to the ones people carry around here, and I get it, after being caught in a gully washer for all of 300 feet yesterday. I got into the casita looking and feeling like a drowned rat. That’s probably partly due to the 80 degree, nearly vertical final 20 feet up to my place from Cat’s, but still, I need an umbrella that can shield my body adequately no matter which Everest I’m scaling!

 

Only One Family Member Has Contacted Me Since I’ve Been Here

 

Only my niece Sirkka Smith has contacted me since my arrival here a month ago. I guess that tells you all you need to know about the status of my family relationships and why it was no biggy to just pack up and leave when it was time to get outta Dodge ahead of T-WRECKS’ purge of so-called “institution-worthy radicals”  (I’m trans/gender nonconforming).

 

It’s not surprising, but it is sad

 

It has been this way for almost as long as I can remember.  Ever since my parents died in 1998 and 1999, nobody else in my family has seemed to give a damn about me.

 

Oh, Jackie wrote me a brief farewell note saying she hoped I’d be happy with my decision to move to Costa Rica, but it was perfunctory — “expected of her,” I guess she believed. But she hasn’t reached out to ask how I’m doing, and since she isn’t a reader or a blog follower, she certainly has no idea.

I have sent her emails about a couple of important matters (my CR phone number and rental address) and about donating my body to the University of Costa Rica so no one has to be concerned about my corpse after I croak.

 

Crickets!

 

Not so much as a “Received. Thank you!”

 

Maybe she hasn’t read them yet. (Benefit of the doubt here.)  Because if she has, you’d think she’d at least reply, “Very thoughtful of you,” or even, “Well, I hope you aren’t planning to die any time soon!”

 

It’s pathetic. But it is what it is and simply confirms what I’ve always felt that she feels about me. We’re like day and night philosophically and politically. We truly have nothing in common except genetics.

 

I’ve always felt viewed as the black sheep of the family. And that’s okay, because I hear a different drummer than they do. I’m not fascist/authoritarian/autocratic by nature.  I vibe to live and let live so long as no one is getting hurt or lost in the shuffle.

 

This is why having been embraced here by my new “family of choice” feels like a liberation of sorts. I no longer have to get along quietly/ peaceably/invisibly just to get by. The people here proactively care about me and my wellbeing.  It’s refreshing! Unless you’ve experienced the same kind of family dynamics, it’s hard to understand what an immense difference it makes to feel wanted and appreciated

Fortunately, I have only felt estranged from my family. My other relationships have all been wonderful, even when they’ve been sporadic because of conflicting timetables, impossible distances, and/or busy lives.  My friends — actual and virtual (people I’ve never met but know via Facebook or Star Trek or what have you) have always kept me going.

 

I’m all right. Just perplexed. 

 

But I freely admit that I’m responsible for some of the chasm that lies between Jackie’s entire family and me, because I have never felt comfortable imposing or insisting on inclusion whenever the vibe in a room is lukewarm or outright “Nope!” Even vibes are too much conflict for me!  If they aren’t positive and welcoming, I’m outta there! (As a neurodiverse individual, I can read a room as well as any well-trained psychologist!)

 

But I can also misinterpret vibes sometimes — assuming that any dischord in a place is due to my presence — but that’s due to a self-defense mechanism that I learned very early on as a kinetic, ebullient, creative child in a decidedly alien (to-me) household. I hate conflict and will remove myself if I intuit — or even imagine erroneously– that I might be the source of someone’s displeasure or discomfort.  I’m a peacemaker for the most part simply because dischord/conflict/displeasure/apathy hurts to the core of my being.  I’ll take separation/aloneness over that every damn’ time!

 

Animals are my Go To comfort critters

 

This is probably why animals became my go to comfort critters from an early age.  They’re honest and transparent; they never mislead or totally stymy me. I could always intuitively tell what they were thinking, how they were feeling, and how to respond appropriately to them. They don’t need figuring out. They don’t pretend.

 

For example, with Tio and Alice the other day. I knew why they were barking at me. I didn’t take it personally. They were doing their job as protectors of their dads’ sanctuary/territory.  I just had to figure out a way to get them to understand that I was not a threat to them, their human family, or their abode. I had to determine what I could do to make that happen. It was an equation to me: figure out how  to lower their innate need to defend things that didn’t need defending during the time I spent with them. Easy peasy.

 

Most animals relax around me immediately  

 

My conundrum with Alice and Tio is that most animals relax around me immediately.  Mom said that when I was little, birds and butterflies would land on me, like something  out of a Disney movie.  So, I’ve always had a way with animals.

 

That’s why my extended soothing period with Tio and Alice seemed as unusual as it did. When I met Anita Wahler’s three extremely territorial Belgian Malinois dogs, they “got” me right away and weren’t the territorial critters they usually are with new people. I was expecting something similar with Jon’s and Francisco’s dogs. But nope.  More was needed. I just had to figure out what it was! And I did. We became buds after a couple of hours.

 

It’s almost 3 a.m. now. I suppose I ought to try to get back to sleep.  There is an exciting, busy day ahead of me and I need to be  wide awake to appreciate it!