MY UNDAMAGED ESSENCE: CALM, CURIOUS, CONFIDENT, OPTIMISTIC, DETERMINED

 

Last night, after experiencing a complete day of “downtime” — including a long nap, sitting shirtless in my back yard for the first time in 60+ years, and hanging out with my cats and goats — I went to bed feeling serene, confident and calm.

 

And I realized that, once again in just a few weeks’ time, I was experiencing my undamaged essence in its full power and glory.

 

I think the vast majority of marginalized and discounted people can relate.

 

We were all born — and most of us were nurtured and raised by loving (albeit inexpert and imperfect) parents who wanted us to live long, happy, and fulfilling lives.

 

For those of us who were raised by essentially “good eggs,” our earliest days were spent snuggling, kissing, laughing, playing, and interacting with people who gave the best of themselves to us nearly every day, despite the traumas, missteps and challenges that they were experiencing in their lives (including the enormous 24/7/365 challenge of raising us and the siblings we had).

 

So, for a number of formative years, we were free (within boundaries that our parents made safe for us) to explore at will and to be who we were: effervescent, curious, joyful little beings (and, at times, willful, tyrannical little beings). The world was our oyster. We named it and proclaimed it.

 

And then, somewhere along the way, we realized the world doesn’t bob and weave to our every need and desire, and that other people — and the abundance or scarcity of money in our parents’ lives, the color of our skin, and even our gender — often dictate how far and how fast we’ll be able to reach our goals — and even which goals are deemed “ours” to aspire to unless a miracle happens.

 

Suddenly, frustration, negotiation and dissatisfaction enter into the equation.

 

This is the common trajectory for most lives, not just marginalized ones.  But add to that the reality (as I did) that you’re transgender (which you’ve known since you were a kid but didn’t have the word for) and that the gender you were assigned is marginalized, sexualized, and frequently discounted (not to mention misused and abused) and life suddenly begins to look more like a  life sentence than an opportunity to contribute, function and flourish in the ways your mind and heart desire.

 

I’ve gone into my transgender story in depth in my book Womb Man: How I Survived Growing Up in a Booby-Trapped World, so I won’t belabor that aspect of my existence here, but the foregoing shares what far too many people experience as they grow up, trans or not.

 

Given the obstacles and obstinacy of cultural norms, over time striving for what we truly want to accomplish can begin to feel futile and foolish.

 

Now that I’m 70, I’m beginning to understand that, had I surrendered to my marginalization, I would never have accomplished what I have. And I’m darn sure I would not feel I had accomplished much more had I surrendered and allowed myself to achieve only within the prescribed parameters for “the fair sex” back in the day.

 

Because I would have made a lousy mom (except to animals), an impatient teacher, and a half-hearted nurse.

 

I’m enormously glad there are great moms, great teachers and great nurses (and doctors and scientists and statespersons etc. etc. etc. these days) but I was never cut out to serve in any of those roles.

 

I know what I was cut out for: writing. I’ve always known that, ever since someone taught me how to string words together in grade school.

 

But here’s the thing. What I’ve achieved (thousands of clients served, millions of eternal words on paper, and heartfelt communication with readers, friends, family and acquaintances), I achieved because of my undamaged essence. My undamaged essence is effervescent, optimistic, positive, and goal-oriented. When someone tells me no, my spirit tells me, “Damn the torpedoes — full speed ahead!”

 

No matter what has happened to, or for, me along the way — and there have been as many mentors and encouragers as there have been naysayers and discouragers along the way — I have never been without the essential part of me that reminds me, “If you aren’t where you want to be yet, you’re the one in charge of getting there!”

 

Because giving up would mean killing my undamaged essence — and that part of me appears to be eternal and completely blind to the boundaries that others try to keep me in.   I view them as hurdles, not walls or fences.  I look for the pole to use as a vault, for the shovel to use as a tunneling tool, for the missile that can blast through the barrier.

 

That’s my undamaged essence: bold, undaunted, determined.

 

I get to be ME for the rest of my life. It has been a helluva long time coming, but here I am.

 

Shirtless, sitting in the sun getting Vitamin D the old-fashioned way.

 

And writing about it.

 

Telling my truth.

 

Celebrating my victory.

 

And this is another reason why I’m an ally to other marginalized people. Every decent human being should be able to feel this way — free, unfettered, forward-moving — and eventually victorious.

 

People want to be celebrated, not tolerated.