I’ve just read a fascinating book titled THE MONKEY IS THE MESSENGER: Meditation and What Your Busy Mind is Trying to Tell You by Ralph De La Rosa. I plan to read it again, right away, and highlight a lot of it.

 

It confirmed a lot of what I’ve discovered personally as an amateur meditation practitioner. But it did more than that. It gave me a new way to acknowledge and attend to my “monkey mind” in ways that advance my self-mastery.

 

Why I Meditate Differently 

 

I meditate differently because I’m always keenly aware of my mind and thought processes. I don’t have to relax, close my eyes, or OM my way to a state where I can “tune in” to my thoughts and feelings. As a writer and empath, my mind and others’ minds are always top of mind. So, most of my meditation practice exists of stepping OUT of my (monkey) mind and more into my body and into the spaces beyond it, past the static and clutter to the place of Universal Mind and Lovingkindness, where being In Love and Of Love are both effortless and there is zero pressure to be anything or to do anything more.

 

Understand, as a transgender individual, I’ve spent most of my life trying to stay OUT of my body, because I didn’t feel it was the right make or model. It was functional, it would get me from here to there, but it wasn’t a vehicle I wanted to claim or to truly OWN, so my mind rarely visited it.  Thankfully, I have good genes and my body didn’t rebel on me for the way I regarded it: as a kind of external mockery of my essence. (Sadly, kinda like a guy calling another guy a pussy which, as a feminist, I find abhorrent and misogynistic.)

 

After coming out as trans, and having chest masculinization surgery and panniculectomy surgery, I have taken a new look at my body and realized what an amazing vehicle it is and how poorly I’ve treated it and thought of it for sixty years (the years between age 10 and 70).  It has never failed me (except that it lacks appendages I believe it should possess) despite the rigors I have put it through.

 

Befriending the Mini Me’s Who Share my Mind and Spirit

 

This book has me realizing that I failed to befriend and honor my “monkey mind” a whole lot sooner than I have.  (And I did befriend Monkey Mind as soon as I told my truth and came out at transgender.  The monkey in my head has felt soooo much better since then.)

 

Being trans and hiding it for fear of societal and familial repercussions was my sole “shame.”  And as it turned out, it was a moot point kind of shame, because I received nothing but love and support when I finally bit the bullet and came out with my book Womb Man.  So, today I feel completely unified internally.  I no longer have so many mini me‘s castigating me from inside telling me I’m a fraud, or a chicken, or any of the other things that they were telling me.

 

(A less mature/younger part of me still fears reiterating — repeating for emphasis — to clients what they need to know about how I work so there is no blurring of lines with regard to our various responsibilities. I’m dealing with that right now with one of my favorite clients, so today we’re at the “fish or cut bait” stage, because I felt the painful need to stand my ground. I presume all will iron out and end with a satisfying and continuing collaboration, but I have no absolute guarantee of that, so I’m on pins and needles until I hear. I would hate to lose them as a client but, the way things are now, I’d rather lose them than my peace of mind! The much younger mini me who is afraid this will end badly has been cuddled and coddled and assured that even if it does, I have other avenues to pursue, with other clients waiting in the wings for me to get freed up, and we’re going to be okay even IF the collaboration ends. That’s just some of what THE MONKEY IS THE MESSENGER has taught me.  The mini me’s inside are on duty to warn, prepare, console, consult, and at times assuage; they aren’t bad; they aren’t enemies; they are vestiges of past experiences that taught me lessons and it’s important to take their counsel into consideration when I’m faced with making a decision.)  The book has also reminded me to figure out the approximate  AGE my various mini me’s so I can address their needs and respond to them appropriately. They came into being at about their age inside me, and so they may feel inadequate because they haven’t been privy to the advancements I’ve made toward self-mastery and independence and so they still feel exposed to risks and dangers that I no longer consider catastrophic. I’m braver than most of my mini me’s, in other words, willing to accept risks that would paralyze them.)

 

A Remaining Mini Me that Occasionally Shows Up

 

I don’t know anyone who is wholly healthy psychologically who doesn’t suffer occasionally from Imposter Syndrome. Added to Merriam-Webster Dictionary in April 2020, this syndrome “plagues even those whose brilliance and achievements are most obvious to the rest of us.” (The term ‘impostor syndrome’ has been traced to a 1978 article by the American psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.”)

 

It doesn’t matter how many degrees someone has (or how few), we all seem somehow to hold onto an Inner Dependent Child who doesn’t feel fully capable of achieving whatever we have achieved. We’re always feeling just a tad short of perfectly okay — or even exceptional — as a professional.  And that’s probably good, because it keeps us on our toes and keeps us evolving and advancing. The trick is to befriend our Mini Me’s so we can learn from and counsel them when they’re afraid for us.

 

I let Imposter Syndrome convince me that maybe my client knew better than I did about how to do the job I was given to do: write riveting content. I was willing to try it their way and have done so for eight months.  (This client praises nearly 100% of everything I write.) But today I re-established my original boundaries because the new way isn’t working for me. It’s inefficient, frustrating and costly, financially and energetically. This client is the expert at what they do and how they do it: I’m the expert at what I do and how I do it. As long as we each stay in our own lanes, we’re going to get where we’re going without any crashes, false starts, or unnecessary delay.

 

The trouble comes when we try to squelch, deny, or kill our mini me’s

 

For eight months I have been squelching the Crone Counselor mini me who kept saying, “This way of working with this client isn’t working for you. You need to speak up and fix this, or you’re both going to become frustrated with each other.”

 

And recently, that has begun to happen because their expectations differed widely from the way I choose to serve clients. So, I finally decided, “Instead of throwing up your hands in frustration or throwing in the towel and saying you’re done, tell the client what you need. If it isn’t something they can deal with, part ways amicably and then go after the clients who are waiting in the wings for you to free up enough time to serve them. It’s that simple. You don’t WANT to stop writing for this client, but you may have to if their expectations about how to go about it can’t be reined in.”  I’ve been a content provider for 15 years and this is the first time I agreed to try another  way of working, but it isn’t working for me, so I need to honor and respect that and see if we can come to an agreement moving forward.

 

I didn’t just say, “We have a problem” when I wrote the client, though. I came carrying a solution, the same solution I have for every other client I have ever served. It’s easy, fast, and do-able and it eliminates missteps and false starts, so it’s even more economical.

 

We’ll see how it goes.

 

I’ll keep you in the loop.

 

Reading this book helped me get to this point. (Actually, so did this client’s own teachings.) It’s always hard for me to bring up issues and feelings that aren’t positive and uplifting.  I’m a middle child and deeply interested in peaceable relationships and collaborations. When I have to bring something up that’s sticking in my craw, I often wait too long.  Teachings like these encourage me to bring it up sooner, before I reach the boiling point and decide, “I just can’t do this anymore, not like this.”

 

Update April 17, 2022  My client is happy to work the way I’m used to doing it.  I am SOOOO relieved!