Rachel Carrington IM’d me on Facebook this morning to let me know she just finished reading DeForest Kelley Up Close and Personal and has written a review. She asked for a few pix to illustrate it, so I sent them to her.

In her IM she said she loved the book but of course cried ugly tears at the end. Yeah, that happens a lot.  It took years for me to cry ugly tears over the end of De’s life because I was so busy being strong and resilient for Carolyn (his beloved wife) that I didn’t give myself the opportunity to measure the breadth and depth of my own loss, knowing how much deeper hers was.

(My suggestion: never allow another person’s loss to trump your own, no matter what. It wasn’t until the 9/11 attacks on the WTC and Pentagon two years later that I finally gave myself permission to cry over all of the losses I’d experienced since 1998: my mom, De, my dad, and the devastation of being attacked that day. I felt I needed to be strong for their survivors, never acknowledging to myself that I was one of them.  That was nuts.)

After a significant death, I get very busy.  I tidy up after them. I clean my house. I do whatever I can to work through what I’m feeling with busy-ness, with progress in some other way.

I don’t know how you deal with significant loss.  Everyone is different.

I broke down when Terry Rioux told me about Richard Arnold being at a STAR TREK convention when the news came in that De had died. He said at first he didn’t believe it because rumors like that had happened before, so he called the STAR TREK offices and when the gal answering the phone answered in tears, he knew it was true.

He said he was with other Trek fans all weekend mourning the loss and remembering the good times.

As Terry was telling me this, I just broke down. I said, “I wish I could have been there. I mean, I know I was where I needed to be — in the hospital with De’s body and Carolyn — but I had to be strong then. I didn’t even get home that night in time to drive into Hollywood where a vigil was being held at his star — the star I polished every Sunday. I turned on the news and saw them down there and thought, ‘I should be there’– but I was utterly exhausted, and there was so much to do the next day… preparing a list for AC for De’s memorial service, helping Carolyn through her first day without De. There just wasn’t time to think about myself…”

I’m writing this now because I will still probably be laid up on June 11th this year post-surgery, the 22nd anniversary of De’s passing.  And since Rachel is about to release her review of the book, it gave me the impetus to go ahead and do this now…

I miss De every day, and will every day of my life, for however much longer it lasts. He was a one of a kind friend and human being.  As I stated during his memorial service, “DeForest Kelley was the kind of man God had in mind when he created Adam.  If the world was more heavily populated with DeForest Kelley types, it would be the paradise we all wish it was.

I’m glad people are still interested in reading about him. I’m glad so many people still love and write about him.  He was truly a gem of a man.

I will post the link to Rachel’s reviews as soon as she sends it to me here: https://redshirtsalwaysdie.com/2021/06/10/deforest-kelley-from-the-fan-who-knew-him-best/

Oh.my gosh. Isn’t this the best review EVER of my book?  I want to frame it!