Here it is–in all its glory!

I posted this photo (and a few others) on Facebook and already have another client for Eli Struck of Enlighting Struck Design in Kent–how cool is that?

I also received an invitation from Carolyn Howard-Johnson to write an article about how this updated look has already all-but-paid for itself in the attention it has garnered when I’ve been out and about in it. When the article posts, I’ll point you to it.

I’ve had a quiet day so far but that all that is about to change so I’m getting nervous. Sis Jackie is having her traditional 4th of July gathering this afternoon. We’ll have at least 20 people over for food, drinks, games, and chatter. I’m exhausted already just thinking about it.

Why?

Because as much as I love writing, I loathe “chatting”. It’s immensely stressful to me!  I’m not gregarious. I was, as a very young child, but it was “educated” out of me before I started school because my mom said I “took over the room” when I got involved, so I was hushed a lot and shepherded out. As a result, I got the impression that there was something terribly wrong with me! So I shrunk into myself, not to emerge again until I took puppetry, debate and drama in junior high to force myself out of my damnable wallflowerness (how’s that for a made-up term?).

As a result, I’m still not a good “chat-ter” unless I’m with people who want to talk about something more than the usual banter and pleasantries that gatherings of this kind engender. (Small talk is so foreign to me that it stresses me out.) Today at this gathering I’ll still feel immensely shy and “unworthy”, even though I will know absolutely everybody who’s here! (They’re all relatives by blood or marriage!) I’d rather steer clear and eat leftovers afterward, but that won’t do!  I’ll be invited over and will appear anti-social if I refuse. So I’ll go. I just won’t like it much, or stay any longer than absolutely necessary.

I wonder if people perceive me as uncaring or aloof/unfriendly, as a result of my damnable shyness? It has occurred to me that they might. Jamie asked me one time (when she was much younger) if I liked people. I told her, “I love people.”  She said, “You hardly ever talk to anyone.” I told her I was always working (which was true at the time!) and had to concentrate, but that was just an available excuse.

The truth is, I’m fine one-to-one or one to two, but after that, I start to get uncomfortable and antsy.  I don’t enjoy groups or crowds: I tolerate and survive them.

Still, I love people.  I just need my space.  I hate my own birthday parties; don’t like being singled out.

I don’t mind public appearances, though, where I’m considered an expert and well worth the price of admission. I’m still nervous at first, but everyone is, from what I’ve heard.

I’m just weird! Or maybe I’m not. When I KNOW, absolutely, that people want to hear from me, I’m okay. I can “take over the room” then, because it’s expected that I will!  (“You’re onstage, so say something, already!”  Oh, OKAY!!! And away I go!)

But at home? Not so much.  I’m pretty quiet, isolationist and very cerebral. There’s always something going on inside my head, so I’m never lonely or lonesome.  And there’s no one to impress or disappoint, so that feels comfy, too.

I hate being placed on pedestals and I hate feeling like I’m underfoot.

It’s a pickle — and a fine balancing act!