If you’re like me, you’ve had a series of friends.

 

Looking back, I’ve discovered that friends have been with me for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime.

 

And some of my finest friends who are lifetime friends haven’t been the ones I hung out with most, which surprises me. That is, I never defined them as “best friends” because I didn’t know them well enough, or hang with them long enough, to determine how they felt or what they thought about me (good, bad, indifferent, or a mixed bag). 

 

Let me explain.

 

FRIENDS WHO GREW UP TOGETHER AS KIDS

 

I have several lifelong friends who I don’t see often but who have been my friends since I was five or six years old. Among them are Jessie Richards (nee Haire), Judi and Penny Cooper, and the Coopers’ mom Mary Jane.

 

I suppose I could put my two sisters in this category, too. I hardly ever see Laurel (she remains a busy attorney an hour south of me) and we weren’t close or good friends as kids (I recall mostly verbal jousting and even a few fist fights with her), and Jackie and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum and unalike as day and night (she’s gregarious, I’m introverted), but we love each other and are friendly to each other. Jackie and I were always thick as thieves as kids, so that glue remains despite our stark differences in viewpoints and philosophies.

 

The kids we grew up with often remain on our radar. Frog, toad and salamander hunts,  horseback riding, Campfire Girls and Girl Scouts, school plays, and other activities are fond to recall and all are wrapped in our gossamer memories as “the time before we had to grow up.” We were pretty much free to dream, plan, and scheme, except for some required chores.

 

FRIENDS WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS

 

Then there are the friends we attract as a result of having similar interests. Horseback riders, TV show fans, movie fans, a specific celebrity’s fans, book fans, stamp or sports card collectors and animal lovers usually manage to find each other. It’s easy to fall into friendships with people who share our passion for particular pursuits, people, television series, or hobbies. For some reason, all else can get put aside, even when we sharply disagree with them on politics or religion, because our primary focus is on those things that we do share and agree about.

 

FRIENDS WITH HIDDEN/SPLIT AGENDAS OR MISREAD PERSONALITIES AND CHARACTERISTICS

 

Sometimes friendships begin with people who share similar interests and then morph into something less wholesome and more sinister. In two cases, I befriended individuals who appeared, on the surface (in the settings I met them, one at Gentle Jungle in Colton, CA, the other at a convention in LA), to be self-actualizing and proactive about redirecting their lives.

 

The gal from Gentle Jungle had gotten into the drug scene in her region and wanted to get out of it and start fresh where she wasn’t surrounded by drug-happy friends.  The other was unhappy in her marriage and wanted a change of location and a divorce.

 

Feeling that I knew these gals well enough to offer assistance without regretting it later, I offered both my home (at two different times, once in the Pacific NW and once in Southern California) so they could make the break and forge the new future they sought.

 

Alas, within weeks, the one with the drug problem had found drugging companions in Washington State and was going to work at a mink ranch, partying with her new friends, and then coming home wasted. And she was borrowing and driving MY vehicle to get to and from wherever she went.

 

Needless to say, as soon as I found out she was back to her old habits, I evicted her and became the bad guy in her life.

 

In the second case, the disconnect and discomfort happened over a course of four years. The woman who had appeared (when at conventions) to be a natural as a proactive pursuer of goals and completely capable of forging a new path in the direction of her dreams was the exact opposite in any other environment.

 

Insecure, unhappy (except when “playing” or reading fantasy fiction), and constitutionally opposed to bettering herself when employers offered to train her (for free) for better positions (because she said she didn’t want to remain in the professions in which she was temping), this gal found herself completely content to remain a forever roommate of mine, which had never been my intention. I had offered her space and time to pursue her goals, but she really had none other than earning a paltry paycheck in any way she could (since I was paying half or more of the rent and other stuff), buying movies for her home library, and going to other conventions and events to rub shoulders with as many celebrities as she could.  (Reflected glory was just fine with her.) This particular rescue turned into a nightmare. We had been fast friends for quite some time, having a ball everywhere we went for fun. But as time went on and I realized I was being used so she could stay stuck-but-secure under our mutual rented roof, I begun to deeply regret my offer and resent her presence.

 

I’m great at offering a hand up, but when my hand is latched onto — when people start taking advantage of a good thing and stop going after what will better them and make them successful on their own — my hide gets chapped.

 

Needless to say, when I finally gave her a deadline by which to move out, I became a scoundrel in her eyes, and she let our mutual friends know all about it.  (None of them offered to room with her, so they had her number, too, but they still commiserated with her mightily.)

 

I didn’t tell my side of the story then because the friends she told had already misjudged me before this drama unfolded (taking someone else’s depiction of an event as gospel before asking for my  report of what had happened; when I explained what had really happened, they apologized profusely) so I was wary of them anyhow. I figured I could find always better friends elsewhere.

 

And I have.  As a result of these two experiences, I became a better judge when it comes to offering a hand up to people. (I’ve only done it once since — offering my home to someone who needed help — and without an ounce of regret.)

 

DISTANT BUT CONSTANT FRIENDS WITH TREMENDOUS HEARTS

 

And then there are friends who surprise you with their loving hearts, thoughts and actions.

 

I attended school in Cle Elum from age nine until I graduated in 1969. I developed deep friendships there with  very few people. Among them were Karen and Kathy Kraft and Launa Spurgeon. Launa has passed away and I haven’t seen Karen or Kathy in decades now.

 

Despite this, nearly a dozen of my high school classmates gathered up funds and cards to encourage, support, and cheer me when I had my chest masculinized after coming out as transgender a few years ago.

 

Cle Elum is a mighty conservative town. It’s on the “red” side of Washington. Most of the people in it are Republicans.

 

So, to say I wasn’t expecting anything from Cle Elum-ites (other than quiet/unspoken condescension or ridicule; they aren’t cruel people!) is an understatement. I expected NOTHING from anyone in Cle Elum. I haven’t gone back there since one of our earlier high school reunions because none of my closest schoolmates were in my class, and I figured no one would even remember me, or care to renew their acquaintance with me. (My one visit during a class reunion had felt lonesome. Only a few people said hello and they were pretty perfunctory. The only person I recall having an extended conversation with was Patty Davies, who still looked the way she had in high school. Some people never seem to age!)

 

One day I received in the mail an envelope from Susan Rossetti.  (I adored her mother, Alpha, who was my junior high English teacher.) Inside was a card, notes, and checks from almost a dozen high school classmates — all women — who wished me well and sent donations to help me get a new, masculine wardrobe.

 

I bawled!  Now I want to reconnect and get to know them better … and I’m going to this year!!! I got waylaid last year because there were so many COVID cases being passed around over there, but this year I want to get over there and express my appreciation personally.

 

No one in my immediate family (sister, nephew, niece, grand nieces) acknowledged my transition. No cards, no well wishes, just crickets. Sadly enough, I expected these relatives to ignore my transition, since  they are scaredy cats and/or antagonistic when it comes to acknowledging and supporting people who aren’t just like them  — what they consider normal and what I consider paranoid  due to the disinformation they receive from Faux Noise.

 

So, to receive love from across the Cascades completely blew me away!  (I did receive scores of encouraging, supportive notes from non-family members on Facebook, so there’s no need to feel sorry for me.)

 

Friendship is a matter of heart, intention, and (occasionally) perceived need.