I’m witnessing myself as a emotional pendulum these days.

 

Because I’m about to make a monumental move, my body is having quite the time finding some sort of semi-solid equilibrium.

 

I can cry at the drop of a hat — something which is quite alien to me.

 

Every kindness shown to me produces tears 

 

For most of my life, I’ve been quite stoic.  I’ve always rolled with the punches — especially the biggest ones — only to find myself paying for my resiliency later on.

 

I tend to push away strong emotions to a future date when I think they might not kick me in the gut as hard as they would if I acknowledged them in real time.   Doing so has gotten me through every one of the toughest times in my life: losing Mom and Dad and De within a 14-month period was perhaps the hardest span of time I underwent. I only really gave it up and cried my eyes out when the World Trade Center was attacked on 911. I cried then for ALL our losses, including the ones just mentioned.  It felt safe to mourn while the rest of the world was in shock and mourning right along with me.

 

This is Very Different!

 

I’m not losing anyone (except for proximity); loved ones have promised to come visit me. And they probably will almost as often as they do/can now. And when they come down, or “zoom” in, the visits will carry extra meaning and be more relaxing and intimate.

 

I’ll be gaining new friends and having new experiences!

 

So, half the time, I have Christmas Tree Brain, when I feel giddy,  anticipatory, and ready to get out the starting gate.

 

Then at night as I’m falling asleep, I’ll segue into Spanish and smile while I “converse” with my imaginary friends in Tico Land.

 

But then sometimes I’ll wake up (perhaps from an unremembered dream) with my heart hammering as if  I’ve just outrun a hungry dinosaur. That’s my amygdala trying to convince me that “somewhere else” is scarier than being right here is … and it isn’t!!!  I’m running to a safer, saner place, where relationships are what fuel people’s lives.  They make time to interact and celebrate fellowship.  They’re diverse, welcoming, helpful, friendly.

 

But then I realize that the people who surround me here — even though they have insanely busy lives — they make time for me, too. It’s sporadic but it’s genuine!  I am loved even though there are too few hugs and all too seldom verbalized terms of endearment. And I’ve been guilty of that, too.  It’s just easier to neglect our loved ones emotionally when we have such good excuses: we’re insanely busy, we love other people, too, etc.  Relationships take time and attention. They aren’t a default option.

 

It’s the Now-Spoken and Shown Affection That Has Me Crying!

 

It’s like, hey!  It has been here all along. I just wasn’t feeling or sensing it, so leaving what’s here (except for a few close friends who do take pains to visit as often as they can) didn’t seem like that huge a sacrifice.

 

Now it does.

 

In fact, it sucks!

 

But I can’t stay.  I’m not safe here, and I can’t afford to live here for much longer.  My writing income all but disappeared with the advent of AI and I don’t have enough in savings to live to a ripe old age, which I probably will end up doing. So, I’ve been researching where to go, and my dream is about to come true.

 

So, perhaps you can understand why I’m riding fore and aft on an emotional pendulum.  I’m closing a door without really knowing who on the other side of it will welcome me with open arms, a lot of patience, and  a true understanding of just how daunting it is to try something THIS new without much of a safety net underneath me.  I know the wonderful people at Hotel Villas Escondidas will welcome me, and will understand, because they have been through it, too. But beyond that, when I get a place of my own in a month or two, I will be forced to step  outside my comfort zone and forge friendships with people who haven’t been through the same ringer and come out feeling flatter and all wet! LOL!

 

I did something similar when I pulled up stakes and moved to Hollywood, and look how that turned out: I got “adopted” by Carolyn and DeForest Kelley!

 

It would be utterly miraculous if something similar happened again to the same person in a single lifetime, ya know???

 

I’m hopeful of a “repeat”,  of course … or I would be a helluva lot more nervous than I am right now!

 

I just gotta keep telling myself, “Don’t panic.  Don’t abuse yourself with worst case scenarios, Kris. That’s borrowing trouble.  Sufficient unto the day are the trials thereof.  Take it one day at a time. Tranquilo!”

 

That’s the ticket!