Recently I looked into the idea of giving a TedX talk. I looked into it because I was considering expanding my social media outreach and figured that landing a TedX talk could certainly do that. There’s even a great guy offering to help people land a TedX talk who guarantees at least 50K views or your money back, and he’s good.  Really, really good! I highly recommend him, if you decide you want to give a TedX talk. His name is Taylor Conroy.

But after I listened to his spiel — and was convinced he could really do what he promises he can — I decided that although I would love to give a TedX talk, I’m less sure I want what can follow that much exposure: requests to fly all over the world talking about my topic for the foreseeable future. Yeah, the additional income would be great, the topic I want to share is a crucial aspect of how we can get out of the cruel cultural climate we’re in as a nation at the moment, but… at age almost 73, I just don’t think I have the stamina, or sufficient ego or desire, to start jetsetting around the world talking about it.

So, here is the TedX talk I’d give if I ever gave a TedX talk. (First draft.)

THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT KINDNESS IS DEAD WRONG

Whenever I think about the Dalai Lama, or Mister Rogers, or DeForest Kelley, the quality that comes immediately to mind is how KIND they are, or were.  Although I have never had the sublime pleasure of meeting the Dalai Lama or Fred Rogers, actor DeForest Kelley was my mentor in real life and a true friend. I became his  personal assistant and caregiver at the end of his life as he battled stomach cancer. Watching De interact with Star Trek fans at conventions, with his wife at home, and with me whenever we were together for any reason,  were  master classes in kindness. No one who ever worked with or knew De ever had a bad experience, no matter how fraught the event, because he was always so quintessentially kind.

Kindness, it seems to me, is becoming a lost art in the 21st century. On social and in mainstream media, too many people denigrate and even demonize those with whom we disagree philosophically, politically, or spiritually. Everyone is on edge, upset, in emotional pain, seemingly ready to knock other people’s blocks off. There appears to be no middle ground, no neutral zone, in which we can engage without feeling like we’re walking on eggshells.

But here’s the thing.  You don’t have to agree with someone to extend kindness to them.  And whenever you don’t extend kindness, whenever you get your back up in a stance of aggression or vehement disagreement, you aren’t even being kind to yourself; in fact, what you’re doing is directing your very obedient nervous system to prepare for all-out war!

That’s unhealthy. That’s inviting chronic health problems — both physical and mental.

We need to embrace kindness at our core, every day in every way.

May I suggest that we turn our distaste for other people’s sensibilities and stances into an exercise of “walking a mile in their shoes”? Yes, I know: it’s a distasteful idea. But when we agree to do this, with kindness and compassion, we begin to notice where the pain and fear are in their lives, and we can assess the damage and maybe even help apply some medication and a bandage.

Here’s an example from my personal experience:

Although I feel very strongly that former President Trump should be disqualified by the 14th amendment against running again, having looked into the matter and weighed the evidence suggesting he was the chief orchestrator and spiritual director of those who attacked our nation’s capitol on January 6th 2021, and that he should go to prison, should a jury of his peers reach the same conclusion, I don’t hate the man, as so many of my friends affirm they do. I loathe what he allegedly did to the nation I love, but I have read Mary Trump’s book about his upbringing and reached the conclusion, “Well, there but for the grace of having a different set of parents go I!” So, what I was left with, after reading her book, was an intense sadness that he was so egregiously damaged as a young child. He learned to be the way he became to placate and please a racist, sociopathic father who wanted to raise a son in his own image.  The apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree! So, I can feel kindly toward the little boy that he still is, I can grieve for his delusion. Hating him simply isn’t kind, and kindness matters. Human bodies can only produce so much vitriol before it begins to damage our health.

Neither side is enjoying the fix we’re in. We’re all in pain, waiting for another shoe to drop.  The best thing we can do under these circumstances is to be kind to one other. Whatever happens here, we need to begin healing ourselves and each other. And there is no better, or faster way, to do that than to be kind.

Soften your stance. You don’t have to abandon it; just soften it. Your loved ones who disagree with you are not your enemy. Realize the pain they’re in. Be kind.

Kindness can even open the door to transparent, open-hearted conversation, and to tears, and to acknowledging each other’s perspectives even when we can’t agree with them. My sister and I are on this journey right now. It’s healing both of us.

Civilization and interpersonal relationships depend on kindness. We will never feel safe with each other again unless we embrace kindness.