I am in a protracted blue funk right now, and walking it off isn’t an option, because it’s raining pretty much nonstop right now. GRRR!

 

But I have a busy schedule ahead of me, so getting out and connecting with relatives and far flung friends should help the situation.  If it doesn’t, I will schedule an appointment with my doctor to see what can be done to ameliorate the situation.

 

Maybe I’m Grieving?

 

I feel like  a good cry would help a lot, too.  I’m grieving the fact that I won’t be attending the ENTERPRISE launch at Cape Canaveral in May (but am grateful that my two-minute tribute to De will be shown during the memorial service), the fact that a tight, ten-year-long friendship appears to be slowly unraveling for lack of available time to interact, and the fact that I had to put two of my ancient pet rats out of their misery a couple days ago. Add to that the fact that I’m grieving the loss of De’s duds and other Kelley stuff that I’ve held onto for decades and recently divested to others. It was time to do it, because I can’t take them with me when I move (I want to be able to move with essentialy two suitcases and whichever pets are still here when I go), and others are certainly benefitting emotionally from owning them now.

 

That’s a lot of low-level grieving to wrap my head around; low-level because existing attachments are being severed, but no people are actually dying.  And because I can’t “walk it off,” it feels heavy and ponderous.

 

Charli and Patches Know

 

Charli is sitting on my mousepad right now, belly up, giving me her cutest “I love you” support feels.  And Patches is on my pillow right next to my face every night letting me know she’s there for me, too.  Thank evolution for kitty cats!

 

I Also Want to Make a Change I Can’t Yet

 

Complicating matters is that I really want to move to Costa Rica, Mexico, Panama, or Vietnam (in that order of preference) but I have a commitment to sharing this property and duplex-like home with my younger sister until she decides whether or if to sell it, and that won’t be for at least another couple years. I can’t move until she agrees selling the property would be a win/win for both of us, because I’d need my half of the sale to make the move and pay off a home (or  a lot plus the building of the Kelley home using their blueprints)…  I’m being sent 3-bed, 2-bath new homes and property listings that I could get for a song (from $160K to $230 K) but I can’t take advantage of any of them until Jackie decides what she’s going to do, location-wise.

 

So I feel kinda stuck right now in a place I don’t want to be in, emotionally and physically. It sucks! I long to sit out in my back yard among sloths and macaws and monkeys and near National Parks with just a couple hours’ drive away from a tropical beach, and here I am in cold, wet Tacoma a’wishin’ and a dreamin’! GRRR!

 

I need to get over it.  But this is the first time in my life that I’ve taken on a commitment that I couldn’t just end at my convenience without hurting someone else. I’ve never been married or had kids, so I’ve been pretty free to follow my bliss and just take off.  And as a freelace writer with zero needs (other than a secure Internet connection), I could be living anywhere right now except for this agreement that has us both needing to move if/when one of us decides to move.  It’s a pickle, and I’m not fond of pickles.

 

Oh, well. These are first world problems. I need to get over it and start looking on the bright side of things. I still have at least two more years to downsize and get everything taken care of so that when I move, what I have will fit into two suitcases and a few boxes (unless I can figure out a frugal way to get my 200 journals digitized so I can dump the originals and keep the digitized versions). So, there’s the silver lining to this cloud!

 

It ain’t much, but I’ll take it.  Hanging on by my fingertips, here!  I’m sure my blue funk will end as spring shows up in more ways. Right now it’s just kinda… anemic … but it has great potential!  Here’s what’s happening in my window boxes right now: