Navel Gazing defined: “Engaging in or characterized by self-indulgent or excessive contemplation of oneself or a single issue, at the expense of a wider view.”

 

I see persistent and excessive navel gazing on Facebook, especially from Creatives. I think most of us suffer from more than our fair share of Impostor Syndrome, defined as “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved, or has been legitimately achieved, as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”

 

Some mighty fine folks I know — among them Matt and Bob (last names eliminated to preserve their identities), who are both Creatives — post stuff that asks their Facebook friends to validate them in some way. They ask:

 

“Does what I do matter?  Does my life matter?” 

 

One thing I have discovered is that if your life or art doesn’t powerfully matter to you, you’ll have a helluva time imagining (or believing, no matter how many times you’re reassured) that it truly matters to anyone else.

 

I don’t know why so many Creatives have this existential angst hanging over their heads.  I certainly don’t (anymore).

 

My life and my writing matter to me.

 

And that’s all that’s required to keep me wanting to put one foot in front of the other and continue to do them.

 

I don’t stay alive and connected, or do what I do, for adulation or public acclaim.  I do these things because not doing them would make my life unmitigated drudgery.

 

I AM a Creative.  I am here to create for creation’s sake.

 

I don’t seek approval, adulation or even acknowledgement for what I do. When I do receive unbidden feedback or praise, it always comes as a sweet surprise, not as a life-preserving drink of water following a tense trek through a parched desert.  I’m not thirsty for it, or slowly dying for a lack of it.  I appreciate the occasional applause, but I’m not sustained by it. Occasional joy  emanating from outside is just fine with me, cream on the coffee.  Delicious!

 

So, I get a little tired of feeling sad or bad for my fellow creatives who seek validation from outside themselves.  Our creative life needs to matter to US or no amount of outside reinforcemet will ever be enough.

 

ANCESTORS

 

Not long ago, I had my DNA tested because I know so little about my ancestry (before Europe two generations ago).  As it turns out, my bloodline follows trade routes and empire-building routes on five different continents:  Europe (for 15+ generations), China (for several generations before that), North and South America (since the 1600’s and back 27 generations in the case of Peru!), and Latin America (ditto).

 

And I know almost nothing about the people whose bloodlines I carry, except that one of them (the mummy Juanita) was sacrificed to the volcano gods in Peru; her remains reside in a museum there.  So, why should my ego get to thinking that I deserve to be remembered for even a fraction as long as Juanita? No one is sacrificing me to any god, so I expect to be completely forgotten about within 100 years of my passing, and probably sooner.  (Which is immensely freeing, you know?!) 

 

The only person I MUST matter to, unequivocally, is myself.  I want to leave empty, having fulfilled every aspect of the life I came here to experience and share with others (virtually and in real life).

 

I will leave behind the relationships I’ve had with friends and family (for as long as those people exist to remember me) and then I’ll fade into history, another anonymous pre-dweller.  I will leave no offspring to wonder who I was or what I cared about.

 

Only my writing (my creativity) will remain  for as long as anyone cares to preserve it, or until it falls to dust.  And that’s okay, because no one except myself expected a lot from me anyway.  Those whose hearts beat inside my body all of their lives (my mom and dad) just wanted me to end up safe and happy, and — so far, so good!

 

Noteworthy/long-lasting legacies are for other people to forge.  I’ve forged a creative life that I’ve immensely enjoyed, and I’ve loved and helped a lot of people. That’s what matters most to me. Those were my goals.

 

I don’t suffer from Impostor Syndrome.  The writing and other well-honed skills that I possess were hard-won and painstakingly developed.  And perhaps that’s why I don’t require (or seek) external validation. I think only insecure people do that.  And I wish more people could feel as secure as I do.

 

LONG TIME COMING

 

I didn’t always feel  my intrinsic value (thanks to some ham-handed input from caregivers and siblings), and I know what a psychic and emotional burden it placed on me when I didn’t feel secure.

 

I had to get over myself and come to the realization that most people very rarely think of me at all (including my closest, dearest friends and family), let alone wondering or worrying about what they think of me. Moms (and some dads) and many loving couples are the only people whose hearts beat outside their own bodies, because the good ones are seriously invested in their children and spouses for as long as they live.  As my  mom said, pregnancy lasts a lifetime. It doesn’t end at birth. For the rest of a devoted mom’s life, her life and her children’s are one (in her eyes and heart). She can never just cut them loose and forget about worrying about them. To her, their lives are inextricably linked.

 

The rest of us have no such connections. We exist, interact, and enjoy each other’s company, but we don’t obsess over one another 24/7/365 UNLESS someone we love is experiencing some sort of existential crisis. Our hearts don’t beat outside our bodies on a constant basis.

 

So, if we can’t embrace ourselves and our most passionate pursuits, we have no one else to pinch hit for us, no one else who’s as passionate about us.  We have well wishers, and back-havers, and damn-givers, but we don’t have them at our beck and call 24/7/365. They’re all busy doing their own lives. And that’s as it should be because, as far as I know, we all get only one shot at living!

 

So, I have stopped  “stepping in” when Creative friends post on facebook seeking validation or confirmation that their lives and creativity matter.  That is validation that no one can provide to them except themselves. They will never believe, embrace, or accept it until they believe in, embrace and accept their unique unrepeatable selves as the treasures they are.

 

Validation and valuation are both inside jobs.  And until you can feel them fully from within, no one else can infuse them into you.

 

BY AGE 50, YOU SHOULD BE FEELING PRETTY DAMNED SECURE IN YOUR OWN SKIN

 

I didn’t always believe this. Certainly as a youngster and as a teenager and young adult, I sought validation from outside — from parents, teachers, celebrities, authors, friends, and others whose opinions or accomplishments I admired or envied. It seemed vital to me that others reassure me of my adequacy and value. As kids, we’re indoctrinated to seek validation, evaluation, and approval from people higher on the food chain (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, teachers, etc.). It seems a matter of survival, in fact.

 

But by the time you reach age 50 or so, you will feel pretty much the way you’re going to feel for the rest of your life. If you still feel like an Impostor, or Unnecessary, the only person who will be able to alter your mindset is you.  You simply won’t believe it, otherwise.

 

You DO matter. You ARE enough. And your creativity is amazing.

Creatives create pieces that have never existed before. 

How freaking awesome is that?!