I LOVE THESE PHOTOS!!!

Selfie

Selfie

Photo by GREG BARTON

Photo by LISA TWINING

 

What do you see up there?

I see a happy kid and a happy guy.

I see the ME before I was wounded…

 

Lisa captured the inner me in the above composite images for my book

WOMB MAN: How I Survived Growing Up in a Booby-Trapped World

 

 

…before my body betrayed me by insisting I was someone other than who I knew myself to be!!!

 

It’s nice to be able to come home to myself, to name it and claim it.

 

For the longest time, I felt ashamed and alien, thinking I was THE ONLY ONE on the planet who was saddled with this dilemma of not feeling at home in my fully developed, post-puberty physical form.  I didn’t know anyone else like me; or, if I did, they certainly weren’t forthcoming about it, either.  It was a secret shame, a secret source of pain. 

 

I missed out on a lot because I never felt at home with girls (unless they were tomboys) as a kid and, after I developed breasts,  nine and ten-year-old boys decided I was no longer playmate material, and I made darned sure I steered clear of them as I grew older because I didn’t want them coming around me with raging hormones…

 

Yeah, I was a mess emotionally

… until I finally figured it out about ten or fifteen years ago

after hearing the word transgender and googling it to find out what it meant .

I’m just different than most, but far from a mess!

 

The good news is that I didn’t lose a single friend when I named it and claimed it. I braced myself to lose at least a few, but I didn’t. And several acquaintances confessed that they had family members who are transgender and three friends who told me they are transgender, too.  WE WERE ALL HIDING SOMETHING THAT MADE US FEEL ALIEN AND ASHAMED, and that’s a TRAGIC shame.

 

My book is being used by at least three doctors and a psychologist to help the loved ones of transgender individuals come to terms with and truly understand the situation from inside our minds. That thrills me to my toes. Knowing that my story can save lives and relationships that would otherwise be lost is going to be a huge part of my legacy. If I had to list the things I’m MOST proud of, that would be in the top three, for sure, and likely #1!   But the words I’ve written to help small business owners survive and thrive is right up there, too, followed by the books I’ve written with my own name on them and the assistance and love I dedicated to DeForest Kelley and his wife when they needed someone they could trust most at the end of their lives. There’s no way to rank those four things from #1 to #4 in my mind. They’re all #1 to me!

 

I’m just glad I lived long enough to be able to name and claim my true essence, and that society has advanced enough to figure out that different is not inherently evil or tawdry or unspeakable.  As Fred Rogers said, “Everything human is mentionable, and everything mentionable is manageable.”

 

I feel free to be me now for the first time since I was nine.   But I still slip up and refer to myself as female from time to time, so it’s understandable that others who have known me a long time will, too. But they remember right after and correct themselves, as I do.  It’s not easy to give up a habit!