T-Wrecks invaded my brain last night as I was trying to get to sleep.

 

• The East Wing of the White House destroyed for a vanity project (or something possibly even more nefarious)
• Going after public servants because they had the audacity to investigate his criminal enterprises, those already uncovered and prosecuted, and those still waiting in the wings for him to get put out onto the streets again where he can’t hide anymore.
• Designating trans individuals and all autistic individuals as candidates for institutionalization
• And on and on and on

 

It infuriates me that he is still messing with my equilibrium

months after I left the country he is bent on remaking in his hateful image.

 

So, I got up and did three hours of Spanish study to clear my brain of the rotten human who is invading it even now…

 

BACK STORY — MY GRANDMOTHER

 

My grandmother came to the United States from Germany with her parents through Ellis Island sometime during the first decade of the 20th century. She was perhaps 10 to 12 years old when they arrived. She was born in the late 1880’s.

 

My mother said that the only time she ever heard her mother swear in her entire life was after Hitler came to power.

 

“That Gott Damn Hitler is destroying my country!”  was the quote my mother remembered from that (to her virgin ears) earthshaking verbal ejaculation.

Now, keep this in mind: My grandmother had been living outside Germany for about a quarter century by the time Hitler came into power in 1933. And mom wasn’t born until grandma was 40 or s0. (Mom was born in November 1921.)

 

So, I’m referring to a middle-aged woman — my grandmother — who was wringing her hands and obsessing over what a tyrant was doing to a nation that she probably didn’t even remember all that well.

 

But she had relatives and friends still living there, so she was very likely as much concerned for them as she was for her native homeland!  That’s what I’m feeling right now. But watching my native land attacked and destroyed from the Oval Office ties for first place in my heart and soul. I’m devastated.

 

There are so many marginalized people who should be — and would be — getting out the United States while it’s still possible, and they can’t because of heartfelt commmitments of one kind or another. I’ve heard from so many of them, and I’m agonizing for the choices they’re feeling compelled to make, given the current condition of the country.

 

SHORT-LIVED RELIEF

 

I felt such relief when I landed here in Costa Rica, to know that I was now safe as a neurodiverse and trans man and miles away from what history forewarned me was coming next in the U.S. I was sincerely hopeful that I could adopt the philosophy, “Not my circus, not my monkeys” now that I’m applying for immigration status here.

 

But it has become increasingly difficult to simply ignore the horror that is happening there.  Maybe that’s because I lived there all of my life except for the last two months, but it could be genetic memory kicking in, too. Maybe this trauma is combined with the generational trauma that my grandmother experienced when her homeland was invaded from within and everything went all to hell.

 

I feel like I’m watching a horrendous, no-survivors train wreck

in super slow motion

and I’m unable to do anything to stop it!

 

I’ve forewarned everyone I know and love for months — no, for years — and that didn’t stop what’s happening now. I can’t do anything more than vote and reach out to my U.S. representatives from here (other than attend protests at the US Embassy). I feel powerless to do whatever is that will MAKE IT STOP!

 

So, I really have to concentrate on the parts of my life and time that I can control.  That means walking, studying, visiting with friends, reading good books, petting Charli, and doing whatever else I can to keep myself from doom scrolling on social media and within my psyche.

 

What a fucking nightmare.

One we can’t just wake up from one fine morning

and think, “Whew!  THAT sucked!”

 

The U.S. is in the fight of its life for its continued existence as a representative republic/democracy. It seems to be losing at the moment, so I need to look away because watching it in real time just tears my heart out.

 

“That Gott Damned T-Wrecks

is destroying my country!”