Twice in my life I had intriguing opportunities to take roads I decided not to take and I have always wondered what would have happened had I taken them.

 

OAKLAND STUDIO SCOUT

 

I mentioned one of them in  DeForest Kelley Up Close and Personal.  The excerpt below followed details about my first-ever stand up comedy routine in Oakland, California, when Carolyn Kelley was in the audience and De was backstage listening to it.

 

After I left the stage, three nutty women fans—yours truly included—quickly donned our blue and
white striped “got’cha” shirts, purchased just that morning in a lobby gift shop, for De’s impending
appearance. De came on, spotted us in those shirts, laughed and shook his head, and then settled down to
read his poem, “The Dream Goes On.”

Sue, Kat and I hot-footed it back to where Carolyn sat. Carolyn
laughed, delighted, when she saw us in those striped shirts, and told us, “I made him wear that shirt
yesterday. He didn’t want to, but I insisted!” We cracked up. Since I hadn’t attacked him, I reckon I passed
her test!

Carolyn got serious then and put her hand on mine. She said of my appearance a few minutes
earlier, “Kris, you looked like you have been doing stand-up for ten years.”
Oh, sigh – Oh, Lord…Oh, Carolyn, thank you!

A man from a cable station approached me not long after about staying over one day following the convention
and going to his studio to videotape the same routine for his audience. Alas, I had a super saver fare and it would
have cost several hundred dollars for an extra night and flight change fees…plus Kat was flying with me
to Washington for a vacation at con’s end, so I felt I had to decline.

He gave me his business card and asked me to get in touch with him whenever I was back in the Oakland area. But that cable rep’s nice comment and request still didn’t outshine Carolyn’s comment in my mind; rather, it added verification inside me that Carolyn wasn’t “just being kind” and saying what she knew I’d love to hear!

I’ve always wondered if I had done that,  would it have led anywhere interesting, fun, and perhaps lucrative. When I told the man I didn’t think the routine would go over well in a non-StarTrek audience, he said, “Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ll get you a Star Trek audience!”

 

I was sorely tempted to say yes, but also scared and more than a little wary.  I mean, anyone can print a business card and present themselves as anything they want…

 

HOLLYWOOD TALENT SCOUT/AGENT 

 

On another occasion  — which didn’t make it into Up Close, but may have made it into one of the volumes of KELLEY PHONE TAG: The Rest of the Story — Kat and I were horsing around in a candy store after star polishing one time, cutting up and joking nonstop. A fellow came over to ask me if I had representation.

 

I queried, “Representation? To do what?”

 

He replied, “An agent, to find you work in TV or movies. You could be the next Lucille Ball.”

 

(This is my recollection of what he said nearly 40 years later. If the same anecdote is in KELLEY PHONE TAG, that’s the more accurate rendition, because I put it into words in one of my journals immediately following the phone call De made to me following the incident while the details were still crystal clear to me.)

 

I told him I wasn’t an actor. He said, “You could be.  Here’s my card. Think about it and call me.” And he whipped out a business card!

 

I was gobsmacked — but again, wary and not taken in.  There are plenty of charlatans in Hollywood with business cards. (Read my book Floating Around Hollywood to learn about one of the more egregious examples.)

 

I thanked him and then, when I got home, I wrote De and Carolyn a funny letter about the candy store visit and The Encounter.  De read the letter and then called to ask for the man’s name and contact information. He said he wanted to have his agent check him out!

 

I said, “Seriously?!”  He was serious!

 

A few hours (or days) later (I don’t recall), De called back and to tell me that his agent did a little research and hadn’t run across this guy or his agency, “but he doesn’t know absolutely everybody in his line of work, so he can’t comment one way or the other about his legitimacy. He just suggested that you be careful.”

 

I responded, “De, I didn’t have any intention of calling him back until you said you were going to have him checked out. I figured if he did check out, then I should maybe consider it, but since it turned out this way, no way, Jose!”

 

But what if…?

 

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had friends say I should take my show on the road, mentioning my elastic face when I tell stories, and how funny I can be. And I did indeed toy with the idea of trying out a standup career and acting. You may recall in one of my Kelley books that Carolyn sent me an ad saying there was a comedy club not far from where I lived in Encino with an open mic portion, and I should go give it a whirl.

 

I never did that. Too freaking nerve-wracking. Appear with other stand up acts, many of them absolute pros?  NOOOOO!!!!

 

As much as I loved doing the stand up routines I wrote and presented three times at Star Trek conventions (Oakland, Denver and Baltimore) every time I did them I  shook in my boots, scared half to death I’d bomb.

 

The last time, in Baltimore, I thought I actually did bomb because there were no discernible laughs. But the next morning, several of the people who had been in the audience stopped me to say it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. I practically cried, “But I didn’t hear anyone laughing! I thought I bombed!!!” One of the ladies quickly assured me “Oh, you didn’t bomb!  We just couldn’t laugh because we had all just eaten a big dinner and were too full to laugh!”

 

Question answered, but I had spent all night kicking myself for thinking I could be a stand up comedian!

 

Lesson learned: Do not do standup in front of recently-fed audiences! 

But I’d already learned the WRONG lesson, thinking I had bombed, and that was excruciating!

Stand up lost its allure that night, which is really too bad. 

 

There is a queer comedy club here in Tacoma and I am again toying with the idea of writing a comedy routine, this time about being transgender.  I will write something and see if I can make it funny enough to seriously consider offering it to the queer- and-allies public.

 

If I decide to, I will let you  know so those of you who live in and near Tacoma can come cheer me on (and keep me from escaping screaming into the night beforehand!) when I present it.