Today I enjoyed my fifth (or was it sixth) CST session at Body Beautiful Skin Care and Massage. When I got on the table, Debbie promptly informed me that I was AWOL from my body.
What she meant was that I was “otherwise occupied”, not fully present. I agreed–there was a lot on my plate today, four different appointments–but I hadn’t actually noticed that I’d pretty much abandoned my body as a result. I felt present: I love climbing on that table and relaxing. I always look forward to it, so I thought I was present. But after a few minutes she gave up on reclaiming my body from a table position and said, “We need to do some floor work.”
Floor work? That didn’t sound like much fun! I was happy on the table with a pillow under my knees and a blanket over my body up to my chin! But being an amenable client, I got off the table.
Debbie cleared the floor by pushing the table out of the way, put down a blanket, and then directed, “Get on the floor with your knees bent and the bottom of your feet up against the wall. On whichever side you feel most comfortable.”
I did that. “No pillow?” I asked.
“No pillow. We’re going to do some birth work.”
(“Birth work?” I pondered)
So as I lay there with my neck feeling far too long and unsupported, she put her hands atop my head and pushed my head and body toward the wall–not a lot, just enough to re-create the “womb-like” effect (a somewhat-scrunched fetal position).
After about a minute she said, “When you want to be born, start pushing against the wall with your feet.”
I didn’t push for quite a long time. Didn’t want to. At all.
Finally–because I knew she was waiting for me to start pushing–I asked, “What if I don’t want to be born?”
She responded, “Good noticing. Why don’t you want to be born?”
I responded thoughtfully/mindfully. “Gosh, I’m not sure. It’s safe and warm in here. It’s scary out there–very cold, too bright, too much scrutiny.”
After a second, I added, “I might be a disappointment when I arrive. Parents have such high expectations of their unborn children.”
I remembered something then and laughed a little as I told Debbie, “I actually wrote a comedy routine about this very thing once. I said in it that as I was lying in utero, I knew I’d be a disappointment because my dad kept talking to my mom’s belly as if I were a son. It was all about not feeling I measured up from the moment I arrived. It was very funny, in a sad sort of way. Most comedy is.”
She asked, ” Now tell me the reasons why you might want to be born.”
I had rapid-fire answers to that one! “To contribute. To make a difference. To encourage people not to let the naysayers get you down. To remind them why they’re here. To help re-kindle their spark. To remind them that we’re only here for a short time and to start living as if no one else’s opinions matter–within reason and civilized parameters, of course!” She laughed.
She said, “Go ahead and sit up. How do you feel now?”
I was surprised to admit, “Lighter. Happier. Much better!”
She said, “You’ve just given birth to who you really are. Let’s get back on the table now to acknowledge and release the memories you’ve carried around your whole life and the stories you’ve accepted about yourself that aren’t true.”
I realized then that she was absolutely right. I was exhausted from the stories I told myself that kept me feeling as though I didn’t ‘measure up’; the ones that kept me from doing what I came here to do for such a long time! I’m doing what I came here to do NOW, but I did need to acknowledge and grieve the time I feel I lost by second-guessing my worth and value for more than five decades.
Then again, the time wasn’t actually lost. My background has prepared me to be inspirational and an encouragement to others. If I hadn’t felt this sense of somehow “lacking” for much of my life, I would never have recognized the imperishable, undeniable seed that animates me and keeps me pushing up against the darkness into the light of a new dawn like a flower or an acorn that simply must become a tree!
Cranio-sacral therapy is progressive. No two sessions are ever alike. I’m always growing into my unique truth. It’s eye-opening and edifying. It’s magical. It’s fabulous, safe and liberating. I love it!
Disclaimer: Cranio-sacral is very individual. Each person experiences it differently–uniquely, as no two clients have the same lives or experiences–and is guided by their own internal wisdom. What you discover is never forced. It is a quiet, serene unfolding, a re-awakening of the essential you, the person you were when you entered the world and before it began taking swings at you.
